In Need Of change

A faint light shone through the curtained windows but could not penetrate the seemingly gray atmosphere. An indistinguishable figure shifted on the bed, so that her face was partially illuminated by the inadequate light. Her short dark blue locks sweep across her face leaving behind a trail of long lashes. Akane slowly opened her eyes.

She drifted lazily into consciousness, being followed by a dull heavy feeling in the back of her head, a reminder of the night before. She struggled to remember exactly what had happened, and suddenly all the events came back to her. Another fight with Ranma.

It had become almost a routine for them. Come home from school, fight, Ryoga comes, fight, cook dinner, fight, confront the fathers, fight, and nothing more. Before soon, Akane found herself trapped in her daily schedules. Even the attacks from numerous suitors and enemies had become predictable. Nothing surprised Akane anymore. Before she knew it, the passion she felt for everything was only a bitter shell of its former existence. She felt only indifference, and the pain.

At first the indifference she felt bothered her. It felt almost unnatural for her to not feel anything, but soon she became accustomed to it. The pain on the other hand began to mount. Every fight she had with her family and Ranma deepened the pain. As hard as she tried to deny it her family did her more harm than good; her father and uncle shoving a marriage down her throat, her sister Nabiki constantly taking advantage of her and Kasumi, dear Kasumi. She would never do anything to purposely harm her, or anyone else. She was always so kind and caring and so oblivious to everything around her.

But that was the thing. To watch her sister become a shell and nothing more scared Akane the most. At one time, when they were young, Kasumi had been just like Akane; Full of energy and passion. They would practice the arts together, and go out everyday to live each day to the fullest. Yet when their mother died, and Kasumi moved to be the mother figure of the house, Akane watched her sister die. Kasumi’s energy had given way to a mother’s patience and serenity. Her passion, slid away only to be replaced by a strong longing for what was lost.

Kasumi never showed regret for giving herself up to help the family, but Akane saw it in her eyes. Fire used to burn within her eyes, even more than Akane’s, but as time passed on the flames went out with everything that Kasumi had given up to be a mother. She no longer practiced and Akane was forced to go alone. Now Kasumi was a doll. Purposely moving through the daily motions, but inside, there was nothing. Though she was young, Akane somehow knew that this was the worst type of death.

It was her worst fear.

Last night, Akane was having another fight with Ranma. Nabiki had tried to take photos of her and Ranma’s "fight", or Akane in the offensive and Ranma merely dodging. He had insulted her cooking again and would not just give it a rest.

" EEERRRGGG!!! That was worst than the last one!!!!" Ranma made a face as he jumped above a nasty round house.

Akane’s anger mounted, gathering in her head, along with her confusion, pain, and frustration. All came together, filling her like a lava, waiting to explode in fury.

"Would you hold still!!! And what do you know about cooking anyways!"

"I know enough to know that what you do is not cooking !!It’s enough to put me away for the rest of my life!!!" He threw at her as he expertly evaded her punches.

That was it. That was the last straw. The last measure of anger that was needed to make the volcano explode. She threw one punch. The hardest, fastest punch she ever threw in her life. Through that one punch, all the other previous flashed through her head. All her losses, all her efforts just to prove him wrong, and always failing. Never being able to lay a finger on him. All the anger from the taunts, all the confusion from her feelings, and her frustration from not knowing why she was confused, were put into that fury filled strike. Her entire being was summed up in that one move.

Everything she had was so focused on hitting that target, that she did not notice anything else around her. Not even the pillow resting on the floor, right in front of her.

As she stepped forward to deliver the blow, her foot landed on the pillow. The contact forced the pillow back, taking her leg with it. Akane fell to the floor in an unattractive lump. Panic hit her as she tumbled onto the floor.

"No! I can’t lose to him again! Not like this!" she screamed at herself. Embarrassment came just as a piercing sound hit her ears.

"HAHAHAHAHA!! You clumsy tomboy! Even the pillow…!" Ranma doubled over in laughter, as Akane struggled to hide her emerging tears. Luckily, he was crying so hard from laughter that he could not see her pained features, just a vague form that rushed from the room.

**********

Akane ran into her room and slammed the door. She slumped against it, determined not to fall to the floor, struggling to stand tall. She lost the struggle and slid to the floor, her tears flowing freely. So many things were running through her mind.

Why was she acting like this? How could she lose her self control so easily? A martial artist never loses control. Never. To lose control was to lose the battle.

It was terribly cold in her room.

Before he came, she never had any trouble controlling her emotions. Everything had changed when Ranma sauntered into her life. She looked up at the window and noticed that the black night held no stars for her.

Before he came, she was the best. Men wanted her and women wanted to be her. She was the best martial artist around. Akane picked up her belt. Now it was nothing. Compared to Ukyou’s petite face and Shampoo’s voluptuous figure, she was nothing. She could not even be a formidable foe to Ukyou and Shampoo, let alone Ranma.

What was she thinking, taking him on like that! Fooling herself into thinking that she could even stand a chance at laying a finger on him. With that thought, her rage powered her as she suddenly shot up to her feet and violently threw the belt across the room. Her tiny face was swollen with tears and scrunched up with pain as violent sobs overtook her.

All her achievements were nothing. All that she had been proud of was nothing. All that she was, was nothing the moment he had come into her life. Everything was just a pile of dirt at her feet. Her sobbing slowly diminished into pitiful whimpers.

He was the cause of all her problems. He was why she was like this. Tearing herself inside and out, trying to understand all that was going on inside her. Why couldn’t he just lea…Why couldn’t she finish it!! Her heart beat furiously. She fought the sobs threatening to rise from her throat.

He had caused her so many problems. He shattered her self-image with all his remarks of "uncute tomboy" and "can’t even kick". Yet, at times he could make everything right again with a look, or a touch, and even a word. She could hardly breathe.

Why did everything all the sudden revolve around him? She felt light headed. When did everything start to evolve around him? She began to tremble.

All these thoughts began to flood into her brain like the tide, while tears threatened to begin a flow of their own. Why did it hurt when he was with Shampoo and Ukyou? Why does it even hurt to think that he might care for one of them? Why did all the insults hurt so much? Why did it hurt more to think he meant them? What is that feeling like I’m missing something when he’s not around? Why am I always, short of breath and have that feeling in my stomach, and my pulse in my hands? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! Tears began to flow down her cheeks in frustration, as they had, so many nights before. Why can’t he be nicer to me? Why can’t he just be sweet to me? Why won’t he hold me, protect me……….. ?

Then suddenly she knew. Everything stopped; even her heart which had begun to beat so frantically, it threatened to jump out of her chest. Like a dam that stops the raging river, she knew.

"Oh my God" she thought, as a feeling of cold dread filled her.

"I love him…" she whispered into the empty room.

Outside her window, the black midnight sky swallowed her sobs.